Grief is such an odd thing to me. And so is how I find myself in both very emotionally upsetting situations, and in emergency situations. In both, I feel this sense of total calm and focus and can get through whatever needs to be done, whether it be organise emergency healthcare needs for a relative, or organise a funeral. Or be the one who holds Baguette, our beloved mini sausage dog as she passes, without showing any upset or fear myself because I know she’d pick up on it. And that would have made her transition to whereever she is now stressful and scary, and I just simply couldn’t, and wouldn’t do that.
This happened yesterday. My brain just allowed me to hold her, cuddle her, and make sure she was okay in her trip to The Beyond. And she was. Now I got into the car afterwards and let all the tears out, but I haven’t cried since. Today, I felt the grief bit. And I don’t know if how I experience grief is any different to our allistic counterparts, but I haven’t been able to remove the dog bed from under the couch, nor the boxes of dog poop bags, nor the ear wipes, the doggie supplements, the towel she had. And nor can I remove the top I wore yesterday, because it smells like her. And I feel this odd pain somewhere in my body, but I don’t know where exactly, I just know that it physically hurts.
I find myself contemplating where she’s gone to. I do feel her energy around me, and it’s just a gentle sense of calm, like she’s just doing her thing now without the constant discomfort and pain. But I don’t get to hold her, to say “do you want a cuddle” and have her bound up to me and want up on my lap. I don’t get to have her lick my nose, or watch her have the zoomies after a bath, or just hear her paws tap away on the kitchen floor. I don’t get to have her nudge me when she knows I’m not feeling well, or about to have a meltdown – she knew before I did. And sometimes just holding her was enough to stop a meltdown from happening at all. I can’t really name the feelings I’m feeling, but if I had to, I would say “grief”.
In between watching crap on Netflix, I’ve just found myself wondering what happens to us all when we go. I don’t think we get to see each other again in corporeal form, rather we just have an awareness that loved ones are there, and the comfort and joy that brings.
Losing Baguette reminds me that life is short, and even though it is horribly difficult sometimes or pretty damn rough for chunks of our lifespan, that each day does count.
